Don't be alarmed

As 2007 comes to a close, and 2008 meets the horizon, GOD is answering my prayers. Not exactly the most fun, considering that I pray for suffering! He is a good GOD, and I've been feeling like Isaiah in his book, chapter 6, verse 5. "Woe is me for I am undone, I am a man of unclean lips and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the KING, the LORD of Hosts!" Lately a bunch of junk has been rising up in me, and it's definitely not easy or enjoyable. But let me just tell you what GOD did to me today.

In the morning hours, I was feeling so stupid and inadequate. I ended up with Robyn for like an hour or two, crying on her bed and feeling ridiculous. GOD revealed a lot of stuff to me about what's going on inside of me, rather than what my natural eyes have been seeing. I threw basically everything out on the table, and looked at it all. It was very overwhelming, and I felt closer to the end of myself than I ever have. Thoughts of giving up on GOD, giving up on church, giving up on life filled my head. I just wanted to end everything and move on, because it seemed easier than dealing with this stuff [that I prayed for, hahaha. Isn't GOD great, the way He answers our prayers?].

I went home a little while later, feeling really confused and consumed by my problems, feeling very selfish and dumb. I ended up in my room, sitting on my bed, acting like a big baby. All of a sudden I really wanted to run, which is totally odd. I don't like to run, mostly because when I do, I throw up, pass out, hurt my back, or EXPLODE. Okay, I don't really explode, but you get the point. So I just put on all my running stuff and took off. I only ran about a mile, but I came home feeling drained and ready to faint. It ended up with me, laying on the bathroom floor, trying to regain some composure to take a shower. In the shower, I laid on the floor and cried out to GOD. "I don't know what to do, LORD! I feel so dumb, I feel so empty. I don't know how to love, or even receive love from You or other people. I know that I can't do this anymore unless something changes, and I need YOU to change it in me." Nothing happened. I got out of the shower, but found out that I couldn't even stand up. I laid on the bathroom floor for a long time, too weak to even lift myself up. People could say that it was because I was physically exhausted from not eating all day and only drinking a ton of Starbucks before engaging in physical activity beyond my norm, but I believe that it was GOD showing me my weakness. If I tried to stand up, my eyes would blur and I would start to vomit, so I just gave up and laid down. Eventually I made it to my room, where I collapsed on THAT floor, too. It reminded me of something that Robyn had said earlier, about how whenever GOD would try to break me I always ended up in somebody's arms, when I should've just fallen on the ground. Now, I really didn't have a choice, but you get the point. I didn't have the energy to cry, or speak, or do anything. I felt like Heidi Baker, only instead of needing the body, I needed my GOD. Which is cool, because He can't teach me about the body if I don't know about HIM. I prayed for GOD to be my strength, to help lift me off the ground because I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. He began to fill me, moving things around inside of me, making room for His goodness, the thing I've been needing.

Now I can't say that everything from this point is going to be 100% okay, because I know that it won't be. But I do have the faith that I have been changed, and I have confidence in GOD, and in the people He has placed around me, that I can be loved and love in return. That I don't need to be needy or jealous or hate myself anymore. I just need to look to the FATHER for all I need, because otherwise I am weak and He can't use me. I got up off my floor a lot stronger physically and spiritually than I have been in a while. GOD is good, and I will start this new year with the strength in my heart to begin to walk out what I'm called to walk out, His love being the only thing I cling to. He is truly all I need, want, desire, could ever ask for.