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I tend to be a pretty negative person, and not very thankful at all. And the remedy for that is thanking God. Sometimes this can be a hard start for me, so I begin with the obvious: thank You for breath. And, on days when I’m feeling particularly cynical and aren't so thankful that I’m breathing, I take a step back and look at my life thus far. From being addicted to feeling freedom, thank You God. From considering dropping out of high school and moving to Boston as a favorable option to being a full-time college student, thank You Lord. From living in a broken home and being broken myself to living in a community of people who truly love and care about me and are usually more committed to my future than I am, thank You Jesus. From living a life riddled with aching muscles and sleepless nights to feeling like a fairly normal and healthy eighteen year old girl, thank You God. At this point I can take a deep breath, realizing I could go on for hours. And my eyes are filled with light and wonder and He is good and I am so so blessed.

("Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!"
-Matthew 6:22-23)

Savior

I've been working at the More2Life! store in the mall for the past month. There is a kid named Brian who often hangs out outside of the mall, by our entrance. So we see him a lot, walking in and out of the mall; hanging with friends, etc. Pain almost seems to emanate off of him. He walks in apparent brokenness; cuts on his arms, baby on the way, always angry, always fighting. And since I've seen him, God has broken my heart for him, and kids like him. Brian never really comes in our store, except for one time two weeks ago he sat in a session about your value as a person. The activity was to fill out a sheet of "I am...." He finished his quickly and wouldn't let anyone see it. After the session was over, I asked him if I could read it and he said yes. His listed consisted of things like "I am depressed. I am an alcoholic. I am not ready for my future." We didn't see him for a while after that.

Tonight, my last night at the store, he walked by. I yelled out a hello, and when he looked at me, he had blood streaming down his face; and kept walking out the door. I saw him a few minutes later, standing by a pillar outside the mall, and asked him if I could help him with some first aid. He said he was okay, and the bleeding had stopped. We talked about who he fought and why, and then I went inside. When the store closed and I was leaving, he was standing outside the mall again. It ended up being that I was able to pray for him. He was so sweet, just cried and thanked me. I hugged him and left.

As humbled by this, and as grateful as I felt toward God, I wasn't prepared for what came next. Upon coming home, I receieved a word of correction that I didn't want to hear. And, walking away from it feeling my pride and soul pierced, I felt God say to my heart "You're just as much in need of a Savior as Brian. You are the same." Whoa. Not something I really think of a lot. Too often I can get caught in thinking I'm doing "alright" and subconsciously I can lose my awareness of my need for Jesus. For a God bigger than my pain and addictions and bad habits. Because I'm a big crier, I cried and prayed. I realized, yet again, that I'm just the same as Brian, or anyone out there. We all struggle with the same things, we all just have different outlets for those struggles. I'm probably worse off than him because I'm usually not aware of those struggles. I don't wrestle with them or fight against them. He does every day just to survive. I need a Savior. And He is always saving me. Now. And now. Five minutes ago, and five years from now, even if I can't fathom the future.

God, I ask for a deep humility to pierce the uttermost places of my heart. Make me aware of my own sin and pain, and make me aware of Your grace in those areas. I am in need of You to redeem and restore everything in me, because I keep breaking up what you have planted and fragmenting myself once again. I'm so tired of my hands in the way. Come, Savior, and save me again. Thank You for all that You do, for all the ways You reveal Your love. Touch Brian. Touch me. Touch all of us. May we stay in a place of recognizing and removing everything that doesn't look like You. May we always be aware of how much we need You.

Socrates

I started college last week, and I'm taking a few philosophical based classes. Hence, I've been reading a lot of Plato. Most of the stuff I've been learning through reading him and having class discussions on his work I can relate to my spiritual life. One of the things that hit me really hard was the idea of the Socratic question.

In Plato's work, Socrates is usually the main character. I've read a few "dialogues" between Socrates and some other random person. The person always brings Socrates something and basically says that they know something about a particular subject. Socrates asks them questions, and then challenges all of their answers. This is called the Socratic question. It's asked, not to discourage the person, but to encourage them to find the deeper meaning behind their original answer. He is, in a way, a midwife; birthing truth out of the people he is conversing with.

This happens all the time in my life, specifically with Robyn. She is definitely a master of this. A lot of times I can get really frustrated because I would rather leave my answer as superficial, without delving into the layers behind it. I tend to prefer masks and regurgitated information rather than transparency and depth. So when my answers are challenged, I want to freak out, shut down, and just make it stop somehow. But the Socratic question is a tool used for growth, learning, and expanding oneself. Socrates (and Robyn) was always just pointing to the truth. Never forcing it on anyone, just pointing it out and letting the person make the decision for themselves. He would challenge someone, uncover something, but not always have the answers for what they should do from there. He was simply a guide to a deeper truth. I've always innately known that what Robyn does is a good thing, but I think that it was reinforcing to see it as a philosophical technique as well.

The Struggle Against Pain

Lately there has been a recurring theme in my life: when you struggle against pain, you produce unnecessary suffering in your life. This is something I find myself doing all too often. It's such a weird paradox because on one level, I am experiencing Father God's love and receiving so much needed healing in so many deep places... and yet on another level, I am rebellious, rude, rigid, and a big baby. At times I feel so good, like I'm going somewhere, that I'm pressing forward into this Kingdom way of life, and then a few hours later the mist rolls in and it feels like I'm not going anywhere, I don't even know where I'd be going, and it's never going to end. If I paused for a moment in those times, I could comfort myself that God is not a man that He can lie, and that He is faithful to finish the good works He starts. (Num. 23:19, Phl 1:6) But, usually, that's not the case. I get "hooked", and after that trails tantrums, immaturity, fleshly striving, and deep views into crazy places in my soul. Hence, the unnecessary suffering I cause for myself. It can get so discouraging, trying to press onward when you feel like you're not really going anywhere, but I know it is so good. I need to learn endurance, and that's not something the Lord is going to look over. He's going to have all of me, but am I going to make it a drawn out, painful process; or one of overwhelming joy, hope, and perseverance?

What I've really come lately to love so much about God is His incredible mercy. When I come to Him; wet, bedraggled, pitiful, bleeding, whatever, He just smiles at me, picks me up in His arms, and loves me. Correction always follows, but His voice is gentle and His eyes are kind. Normally I find myself in a shameful place during these times, and it really hinders me from fully experiencing His love, forgiveness, and freedom. There are so many fragmented pieces inside of me, little Sarah's who got hurt and never grew up. But my Father wants to hold them, heal them, and integrate them so that He can form me into everything I'm called to be. What kind of love is this? This love of a Father. This love of a community that demands and calls forth things I don't see or believe in myself.

I know I can do this in Christ. I know I'm going to make it through. I don't want to struggle against it so much, this refining process. And when it's all over, I just want to be found lying in my Father's arms.

Some thoughts

These are exactly what I needed to hear:

"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Matthew 5:48

"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
-Matthew 6:22-23

"Don't look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don't fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention."
-Matthew 7:13-14

Walk in the Spirit... walk in the Spirit... walk in the Spirit. It's so simple. It's so easy. Why do I make it so difficult? Live naked before God and before man. He's already made us free. The work is finished. Walk in the Spirit. I try to "fix" things a lot. Fix myself, my actions, and sadly; even my family. But all my tools are broken, because I am broken... yet, I know the Creator, and He's got the manual. It says: Walk in the Spirit. Lower still...

Matthew 5:3-12

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

^11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

False Self

When pressure is applied, I find the real me appearing. Not even subtly. Loud, obnoxious, and immature. Overwhelmed by my own pride and selfishness, I throw tantrums. Like a five year old who didn't get her way, I yell and pull at my hair. This is not who I am. This is not the child of God I was created to be. And yet, I find myself in a posture of regret after humiliating myself. There is no excuse for my behavior. No matter what happened to me in my past, this is me in my present. I have everything in Christ. There is no need for insecurity.

As always, I find myself needing prayer. May You break me down, O Lord, until my life and everything in it honors You. May You build Your kingdom in the midst of my brokenness.