Lately there has been a recurring theme in my life: when you struggle against pain, you produce unnecessary suffering in your life. This is something I find myself doing all too often. It's such a weird paradox because on one level, I am experiencing Father God's love and receiving so much needed healing in so many deep places... and yet on another level, I am rebellious, rude, rigid, and a big baby. At times I feel so good, like I'm going somewhere, that I'm pressing forward into this Kingdom way of life, and then a few hours later the mist rolls in and it feels like I'm not going anywhere, I don't even know where I'd be going, and it's never going to end. If I paused for a moment in those times, I could comfort myself that God is not a man that He can lie, and that He is faithful to finish the good works He starts. (Num. 23:19, Phl 1:6) But, usually, that's not the case. I get "hooked", and after that trails tantrums, immaturity, fleshly striving, and deep views into crazy places in my soul. Hence, the unnecessary suffering I cause for myself. It can get so discouraging, trying to press onward when you feel like you're not really going anywhere, but I know it is so good. I need to learn endurance, and that's not something the Lord is going to look over. He's going to have all of me, but am I going to make it a drawn out, painful process; or one of overwhelming joy, hope, and perseverance?
What I've really come lately to love so much about God is His incredible mercy. When I come to Him; wet, bedraggled, pitiful, bleeding, whatever, He just smiles at me, picks me up in His arms, and loves me. Correction always follows, but His voice is gentle and His eyes are kind. Normally I find myself in a shameful place during these times, and it really hinders me from fully experiencing His love, forgiveness, and freedom. There are so many fragmented pieces inside of me, little Sarah's who got hurt and never grew up. But my Father wants to hold them, heal them, and integrate them so that He can form me into everything I'm called to be. What kind of love is this? This love of a Father. This love of a community that demands and calls forth things I don't see or believe in myself.
I know I can do this in Christ. I know I'm going to make it through. I don't want to struggle against it so much, this refining process. And when it's all over, I just want to be found lying in my Father's arms.
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4 comments:
I had such a hard time finding your blog. All I have to say is I love you. =)
What God is doing in you is so beautiful, my friend.
Surrender, surrender. Everything. All the time.
Love you!
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