Okay, so first of all, I'd like to admit that I am not perfect, obviously. And that I am a massive sinner, and that every morning I wake up hoping and praying that I'll do better today. That I won't look like the world. And somewhere along the way, I get stuck [or rather, I put myself in] sticky situations, and I don't fight against them. I become an instrument of the enemy instead of the LORD, and it absolutely breaks my heart. So now that I've said that, I'd like to mention that I've been keeping a journal. I wanted a journal that I could write about anything in, instead of just "God stuff" as my past journal was. But, because God is GOD, he of course, turned it into "God stuff". It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did and I'm glad, because now every time I get stuck in my vomit, my sin; these words ring true through my head.
I'm about to be completely open, exposed, vulnerable, and real. It is really hard for me, but I have no doubt in my mind that any of you will judge me or be cruel to me. And I know that once this is exposed, it will become harder to do. So, here goes.
September 23, 2007
Intimacy is a funny thing. Emotional, physical, spiritual. Some good, some bad, some with certain standards. Like love and sex, do or don't, feelings and emotions. The huge gap between what you feel and what you know. A line is drawn for everyone, just sometimes they kick up the sand and lose sight of where it was. Then, as the sand settles, and they realize they're on the wrong side, the promises start. To oneself, to one's partner, to one's God, to one's parents, friends, etc. So where do I stand? In a world full of "yes" how do I say "no"? How do I battle myself? My emotions, my hormones, the whole of my physical state wrestling against me. How do I calm my mind and strain my eyes to see where I'm standing, where the line is drawn, and where I'm headed? There are a lot of voices telling me what to do, so how do I trudge through all of them to hear the whisper of Truth? How do I shut off the raging battle and hear God tell me that the only intimacy I need is with Him?
I pray for strength.
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8 comments:
LOL! It is amazing how He turns things into "God stuff". We are all massive sinners, but we can strive to be more Christlike EVERY day, not just on Sunday.
When people become completely open, exposed, vulnerable and real, then that is where the fun begins. You are totally giving it up for Him. When you do that with the Christian community that loves you and understands your needs, that is where you then get the strength to keep on, keeping on!
I had that problem for a long time! Keep it stuffed in; I am too much into myself; no I don't want to let anyone know my problems; I am a private person.
PRIDE and SELF get in the way BIG time. When we don't share with other Christians, it denies those Christians the blessings of seeing answered prayer. And that is what is so cool, when you get to see that.
It can be hard in the beginning to get those things out to others, because you don't know how you will be judged. IF one is among believers, they then should not be judged, only loved!!!
This should not become harder to do, it should and WILL become easier to do!!!!
That whisper of Truth is not a whisper, it is a BOLD command to keep going, but do it with your brothers and sisters in Christ!
Stay in the Word, stay focused, get with a mentor, keep listening for that bold command every day and those voices will then become whispers and become less and less.
Lord, please let Sarah here that BOLD command and that you keep the evil voices away. Give her the strength to open and share with others what is going on in her life, from the most intimate things to the more mundane.
Please give Sarah the right people to turn to, that can help her work through these things. Help her to understand that when she does that, it will become EASIER to share, because everybody will be praying for her and also reminding her of the times we rejoiced, because of the answered prayers when she did share.
In his honor and glory! Amen
Sarah, that made me almost cry. You are so precious and so beautiful. I ask that God will guide you, help you, increase your trust.
Everything you said in your writing made me so happy. Thank you so much for being so honest and so real.
I know that once you put all of your trust in God that you will feel and be in such a better state.
Sometimes it stinks to get convicted or to see the truth that keeps hiding behind lies, but it's healthy and it is what we need.
Lately, I've been having a problem with truth and with the motives behind my every action. So I am with you there.
I love you, God loves you. Trust trust trust. And, when it's hard to trust, remember that those are the times that we need Him the most.
Sarah, this is so amazing. You are so amazing. Even through all of your faults you have the courage to stand up and admit it. Listen to God and choices and discernment will become easier. Be encouraged, you have such a good heart.
Thank you for your openness. It is truly a beautiful thing.
Father, I thank You for Sarah and I ask You to strengthen her. I ask that You open her eyes to Your reality, to Your greatness, to Your love and help her to always find her standard in You and You alone.
Help her to be radically obedient to Your call on her heart, mind, emotions, time, and yes, hormones.
Father, give her Your eyes to see, Your heart to feel, Your mind to understand, let her see past the moment and into You.
God, make her desperate for You, consumed by You and devoted to only You.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
About exposing it...i agree with thats EVETS person, bringing it to light makes things easier! Im so glad you did. Im so glad that your not ok with being like everybody else in this world and your not ok with settling for less than Him (yet we all seem to do it anyway at times)
Father, i pray that You would gather all of sarah's thoughts and motivations and desires and make them Yours. Your the only one who has the power to make our hearts right. God, turn her eyes away from the worl and away from herself and focus them on You, then her whole body will be full of light! Thank You for being so good to sarah and for all the revelations you've gave her and all the people she has influenced for the better. Continue to strengthen her andbring her to a place where her trust is in You completly. amen
Man, this is all so good...The way He works in you, and in me, and in every one else...they way He molds us and the things He uses...its amazing and so perfect.
The battle of the ages. It is such a major part just knowing that there is a battle and that you are not the only player in it. You have everything within you to walk this out and you have friends that love and pray for you. Christ in you the hope of glory! It was so good to see you last night. Even in difficult times you beautifully reflect the glory of God! LY Susan
I pray the Lord bless you for your realness with him and everyone. I know its not always easy to accept that we are not doing so well. Alot of times its easier to just pretend everything is alright and live in deception than in truth. But now that you said this youi took a huge step forward. WE are praying for you. You are more at ease that your not hidin no more. So be encouraged. Remember you are His DAUGHTER. Think of what he wants for you. I encourage you to just be real with all circumstances. LOve you Sarah.
the power of a transformed mind...
desire to allow your mind to be transformed.
you think there are things that are so desirable in this life, but if your mind were transformed, you would see true beauty, and run hard after that.
btw-you, biblically, are not a sinner. you are a saint. you HAVE been washed. you HAVE been set free. transformed mind--understand the true work He has done in you, it was COSTLY, and it was BIGGER than we know-you are a saint. filled with the Holy Spirit and Power to live in freedom. you are not a sinner, you are set free
"even so, consider yourselves like this -DEAD to sin, ALIVE to Christ"
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