realization

For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
-Psalm 66:10-12


there is no moon, there is only starlight and one shines through my windowpane, casting shadows across my face. there is an emptiness inside my ribcage that rises like waves and engulfs me in despair and loneliness. it consumes me and attempts to drag me down into a pit of my worst fears. but i grasp strong to the one thing i know never moves. the one thing that will never let me down. oh, i hold fast, i don't look down. it's dark and it's terrifying but still, i clutch the only reality in this world of lies. slowly but surely the waves lessen, until i can stand again on solid ground. when i finally calm my equilibrium and gaze up, it's almost like a mirror that i'm staring into. broken, ragged, and filthy, a vision of myself. disgusting, sinful, and selfish, a glance into the deepest caverns of my heart. our eyes lock and i finally face the truth of what i've become. in this absolute moment of desperation, i cry out. my chest fills with a groan that escapes through my mouth and tears pour down my cheeks. here i am, Lord. take me?